The Fantasy Football Roast of The Big O League
It’s been a few weeks since Dave has been able to write the Fantasy blogs since his fancy, new DC job as Majority Whip for the almighty Trump administration has taken up the majority of his time. Clearly he hasn’t been using his very limited down time on roster changes to his fantasy squad.
Nonetheless, While Dave’s continuing to Make America Great again, he’s asked the Astronaut to fill in and I decided to do it in the classic Roast format that Comedy Central has made so famous with popular celebrities like Justin Bieber, James Franco, and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.
So let’s start with the most exciting game of the week:
Tommy’s Boys- 68
Plus Ultra- 87.6
Leave it to the only person in the league with a law degree to be smart enough to start everyone correctly in his lineup. Boom roasted. Dave, your education may not translate completely to an irrelevant fantasy football league, but it does translate to understanding laws that will help better our country for years to come, pussy.
I’m roasting Dave so hard now.
Alright, who else‘s life should I shatter?
Who Is David Johnson — 110
Return of the Cam — 75
Listen, a lot of people are gonna talk about Cam’s negative points for Michael but not enough people are gonna talk about how Michael’s older brother Mitchell got engaged to his fiancé this weekend. HEY MITCH, why don’t you tell us what it’s like to express your love for your soulmate in the truest form, faggot.
Family’s off limits in the roast, folks. Be aware and be AFRAID.
Suck on my TDs — 126
The Hilton Gurley Inn — 104
First, let me congratulate Nardo on his very original team name. Suck on my TD’s? More like let me suck on your big dick for such a creative joke, please let me.
Nardo’s dick is honestly so big, I once touched it in the locker room and it broke my hand. I kept trying to get my grizzly paws on that pecker but he politely asked me to stop multiple times before informing Jeremy Moore of my abuse which led to my suspension from Skutt Catholic for sexual misconduct.
Nardo’s getting the roast wrath right now. And as much as I’d love to continue talking about his enormous rope, I must continue on to the other matchups.
Cheese Head Titty Fucker- 151
Shocka Brah- 158
Speaking of completely heterosexual activities, Danny’s Titty Fuckers came close but could just not bust nut on top of Jon. Hey Danny, you may not have won this week, but you do make far more money per fiscal year than I do you fucken loser.
Shouldn’t have invited the king if you didn’t want this kind of controversy, folks.
Shotgun Schlechties — 100
Men for Others — 165
Big win for Phil. Phil has the Steelers D. Steeler? More like Meal her! As in he provides healthy meals to his caring wife! By far my biggest threat to win the league is Phil. But you are cuckoo crazy if you think a bunch of Men will beat this Astronaut’s Cock. I’ll tell you who’s cock will get beat tonight is Phil’s because he’s in a loving, long term relationship, something I often wonder if I’ll ever get in my life, suck it Phil.
Roasted Phil’s pud ass.
And finally, I get to roast Trout because it’s impossible to roast myself.
The Asymptomatics — 122
Astronaut Cock- 157
Nick’s team is called the Asymptomatics. Typically it’s people who are in great shape that are asymptomatic from the disease brought to us by the government often known as COVID-19. Hey Nick, maybe you’re asymptomatic because you lost a lot of weight through hard work and exercise, you bag of shit! Hey Nick, the gym called, they said you’re the member of the month because you treat the staff so kindly every morning. The gym called me because I’m 3 months overdue on my payments on account of my crippling gambling depts. BURNED YOU NICK!
Sorry to go so hard on you boys, but there’s nothing soft about me, except my entire body and cock!
Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the fantasy football league. So, uh, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.
